Quarantine Log Day 25

Here it is, guys. The serious. The real.

We are 25 days into our isolation, and I’m really struggling. Oldest kid is doing okay with her school work this week, but she’s always loved learning, and wants to do well.

The only problem we are running into is that she also wants to submit to a creative writing contest, and she won’t take any suggestions from me. Her story makes no sense without all the details that are still inside her head. Nevermind that I’m a writer and a certified ELA teacher. No way could I know what I’m talking about.

She’s really cute, though, I ask her questions about the story and she has the answer, it just isn’t on paper.

If she could get it organized and fleshed out, she’d have a really fun story! But she’s too much like her mom in some ways… I hate drafting, editing, and revising. But I also know it’s necessary if you want a cohesive and entertaining story.

Small child, on the other hand, is having a really hard time with school. She’s been given a series of tasks to complete, which should amount to 30 minutes of math and 30 minutes of reading, but it all takes her longer than that, so by the time she’s done with one subject, she can’t handle the other.

She has no confidence, so even though she’s perfectly capable of doing the work, she gets stuck in her own head, and really struggles. We have had two days in a row of epic breakdowns.

I’m trying so hard to hold it together, but I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and really worried about what comes next. Will we have jobs? When will they paychecks stop coming? Will the grocery store actually have what we need? How do we manage our mental health through this?

That last one is the hardest right now. I battle depression, anxiety, and PTSD already anyway. And now, I feel imprisoned. I know it’s for my safety and the safety of my family and community. It makes perfect sense to me. But I didn’t expect it would last so long.

I really thought that more people would understand the seriousness, and that we could flatten this curve quickly.

They thought two weeks would do it.

But it wasn’t nation wide.

It’s not even state wide.

Or city wide.

There are still too many people believing this is all a giant conspiracy, but at the end of the day, their negligence is messing with my mental stability.

Am I likely to catch COVID-19 at this point? No.

But I have no escape from this isolation. I’m needed 24/7 by three other people and two dogs. Last night, the kids were up fighting with each other at 3am, and I don’t remember the last time I was able to get to sleep before midnight.

We need meals. We need entertainment. We need baths. But as independent as an 8 and 10 year old can be, they cannot do all of this themselves. So the adults get to manage it.

I struggled today trying to sort out the logic in the 2nd grade assignment for the week. The links weren’t linear, there was no support to explain what resources were needed and how to get to them (ie click on every single image and it will take you to another page…) And my teaching degree did me absolutely no good today.

I felt stupid.

And I can only imagine what parents feel like who have no education background, or who are unfamiliar with Google apps.

I TEACH Google apps, for crying out loud, and it wasn’t the apps that had me confused, but the plethora of unnecessary hyperlinks without any clear explanation of what we were supposed to be doing.

Keep in mind here, I’m in fight or flight mode. If I’m not yelling or crying about something, I’m avoiding it entirely.

How am I supposed to help my children through this when I’m in a panic myself? My anxiety is so overwhelming that I can barely do what I need to some days. I feed the kids. I keep them alive. And if I’m lucky, I shower.

This is a global pandemic we are experiencing. A global crisis. Yet, many parts of our lives are expected to continue as usual. Rent is due. Bills need paid. Food needs procured. But I’m not supposed to leave the house.

I’ve done so a few times because if this depression takes over, I don’t know that COVID-19 is going to be as big of a concern …

I’m not a risk to myself, or anyone else, just not going to come out of this unscathed no matter how we look at it.

So, sometimes it’s a cost/benefit analysis.

How likely am I to contract this virus in a 10 minute stop at the grocery store for the food we’ve run out of, versus how likely is it that I’ll experience a full mental breakdown if I don’t get out of the house for a bit.

While we are all in survival mode, what are we doing to preserve our mental health? That’s an equally important conversation that not enough people are having.

For today, I’m not sure what it will be. Maybe a walk. Maybe a drive by myself. Maybe a handful of chocolate.

All I know is, we are guaranteed 23 more days of this, at least, which means if we are lucky, we are half way through.

And if we aren’t? Well. Then, I don’t know…